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I never thought you’d ask: Babes on wheels

Sometimes I get emails from readers asking me stuff. If there’s one thing this blog makes clear, however, it’s that I’m basically winging this whole parenting thing. I’m not an expert. I have no degrees in anything remotely useful (for parenting or anything, really) and if you take the number of children yelling at me at any given time, multiply that by the pounds of toys strewn across my floor and divide by pi, you’ll see that I’m often wrong. 

The other thing this blog shows, though, is that I’m full of opinions. So yeah, let’s bring it. 

Hi Rebecca,

Here’s a posting a lady left in a Facebook group.

“To the Father i just caught leaving his baby in the car while he went into [a coffee shop] …I’ll shame you here on line too!!! Unbelievable, that you would think a coffee is more important than your child’s safety…You’re response was that you were in there for 13 seconds…well buddy, that was more than enough time for me to see the child alone in the back seat, notice that the doors were unlocked and walk into [the coffee shop] and call out 3 times “did anyone leave a baby in a car”, walk back out, turn the corner try [another] door …and your second comment “are you serious”, as if I\m over reacting to your poor choices…Listen here Buddy…I would have had enough time to snatch your kid, it’s doesn’t take long…like I said on the street, “you’re lucky I don’t have my cell on me…” Make better choices next time, you’re lucky this time…this villager was watching out!”

I’ve left my kiddo in the car like 100 times to run into a store for a coffee, to the bank machine, to the bakery. I did lock the car and I don’t consider myself a bad mom. I don’t dare respond to this posting because I’m sure i’ll be chastised as a bad. WTF.

East TO Mama

Black and white pic of baby in car

Dear East TO Mama,

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Certifiably Doused in the Spirit

DAILY SNACK

Word to the wise:

Your child’s baptismal certificate,

Should not be stashed away in a dusty old keepsake box,

Next to the baptismal candles and a sample of one of his first scribbles.

Not if there’s any chance,

However remote,

That you might one day wish to enrol him in a Catholic school.

That memento is actually considered an important document in those circles.

And trust me.

After you spend the better part of 12 hours unearthing his birth certificate and immunization record,

The last thing you’ll want to do,

Is spend another five desperately searching for the Certificate of Baptism.

You’re welcome.

(Sure, you can probably get another one issued from the church, but that would involve actually going there for the first time in … uh … did you make it to the Christmas mass last year? You know, awkward.)

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It Takes Two to Make One Look Easy: Dear Playground Confidential

dear pc,
I am starting to really hate my new parent groups. I have a preschooler and an 8 week old. I am no longer as earnest as I (perhaps) was with my first and I find the other parents annoying in finding the perfect toy or wondering whether their yoga class feeds their soul or should they switch to a weekly massage. Not to mention the recent suggestion that I stay in bed until I feel rested. WHAT? I can’t figure out when in the next 3 months I can get my teeth cleaned. It’s like a GRE question. A massage is to teeth cleaning as…your life is to…? How is sleeping until noon similar to walking on Mars? Will I ever feel understood as a parent of two or am I doomed to continue to nodding with support to that new mama and considering knocking over her latte on my way out?

Dear LauraMac,

I KNOW! I have stared blankly past a new mom who asked whether L’il I did something in her sleep. Wha? If she’s asleep, then I’m doing other things. Or, another favourite is, how many weeks? Huh? She’s just over four months … you’re not seriously still counting in weeks, are you? No, the truth is that I really only pay close attention to L’il I when she’s squawking. And she already knows that she’s going to have to speak up to compete with big brother for my attention. When I finally snuck out for a haircut (the first one in six months) last weekend, my hairdresser wanted to make sure I understood that everyday washing was not good for my hair. I can only hope that it’s not good for the rest of me either.

There are really three distinct sorts of parents that irk me these days. One is the aforementioned new and earnest middle-class mom who spends her days basking in the love of her baby, pureeing local organic produce, and disinfecting wooden toys. (Really, I have an outlook more akin to the teenage mother who shoves a bottle of apple juice in her kids mouth while she talks on her cell phone. Yes, I did puree local organic produce for Young C, and no, I don’t fill my kids up with juice — from a bottle, no less — but it’s all about the disposition.) I’m just not that worried about that kind of stuff anymore. And, more to your point, LM, who has the time or energy?

Second-time moms with a toddler/preschooler in full-time daycare, that’s who. Now, they do have to juggle the morning and evening and weekend chaos, so they’re not quite so bad. And they have been around this block before and are thus less likely to be overly pained at little Lily’s failure to roll over by precisely three-months. (Oh dear, I just had to check the milestones guidelines for that one. I really should put L’il I on her tummy from time to time.) In my neck of the woods these tend to be working moms who can afford the extra help and also really want/need to hold their daycare spot for when their glorious year-long maternity leave is up. (Yay, Canada!) Still, there seems to also be a desire to replicate their first maternity leave and not cheat little Lily out of any of the maternal attentions that big sib had. And they will have time to do stroller-fit and meet for lattes and take a leisurely stroll through the grocery store and catch up on their reading during nap time, etc. These moms irk me because they think they know what it’s like, but they don’t really have to live it all day, every day. Especially when they have a cleaning lady. (Is that not politically incorrect yet? Cleaning person? Cleaner?)

The last parent group is those who got left behind. They have a preschooler, but haven’t yet had another child. Our kids are friends and we used to share a common outlook. Now they just have to learn to shut up. They don’t get it yet, either. Have you tried counting to three? You know, you just really have to set limits for them. C’mon. I’m living in a dwelling half-filled with toys and laundry and cheerios with a screeching baby and the most obstinate preschooler known to man. Patience and calm are a rare commodity and the only kind of disciplinary tactics I can try need to be executed in under two-minutes, preferably from the next room. Eg. “You get down off that dresser right now or there will be no cookies for you.” Bribery, basically. I loved being told that I might spoil my baby by holding her all the time. If only you knew how often she’s left to cry while I tend to one pressing thing or another. You’d better believe that I’ll hold her when I get the chance.

As Sismadly’s comment suggests, parenting two gets easier with time. I’m only a few months in and I can even attest to that. Maybe we just get used to it … ? But she’s also right that others will have to wait to find out. Your new-mom friends will not be able to understand because their lives have been even more fundamentally changed than yours and they are still struggling to fit into their new identity as parents. You know who you are; you just need to fit some time into your schedule for basic hygiene. (Here’s a mildly amusing comparison of new vs. veteran mom.) I was riding the subway home from work shortly before L’il I was born when a woman struck up a conversation with me. You’ll find yourself unshowered and still in your p.j.’s at 2pm she warned. I smiled. I don’t think that’ll be possible this time around, I said. And I was right. In taking care of Young C and L’il I, I need to take care of myself. (Even if I do a crappy job of it.) I need to get out every morning because Young C needs to get out. I need to commit to a routine for the kids and I know how to do that already. And they get to have each other, too, which is what it’s all about. I can’t believe how much they already crack each other up. Just wait for it, LM, you won’t have to wait long.

And then I see the mother of three or four at the playground who looks calm and happy, if a bit bedraggled. Or the families with kids with disabilities. Or the parents who have lost a child. So I reach for another coffee and sneak out for a little alone time in the evenings and look forward to doing it all again the next day.

Keep your questions coming. Write me at rebecca@playgroundconfidential.com and there’s a very good chance that yours will be featured in the March 30th edition of Dear Playground Confidential.

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Dear Playground Confidential:

How can I get my preschool-aged son to cooperate in getting dressed in the morning? It feels like every morning is a great big struggle and I can’t afford to spend all this time and energy fighting with him.

Morning Mayhem

Dear Morning Mayhem,

Funny that you ask. I myself am struggling with the same thing. That kind of coincidence is almost too good to be true. Unfortunately, I cannot draw on my own experience to give you a one-size-fits-all solution because it is only a precarious combination of threats, patience, ingenuity, and the freedom to spend the morning at home if need be that gets Colum into his street clothes everyday.

Most parenting experts will stress the need for consistency and routine, and they are right to a degree. But so much of this is developmental. Two and three-year-olds will push their boundaries and see how much they can get away with. They are, in effect, experiencing an existential crisis in which they are grappling with their new-found independence and personal agency. It’s not even about whatever it is that they don’t want to be doing half the time. It’s just that they don’t want us telling them what to do and doing stuff for them all the time. So, we should pick our battles and let them do things on their own whenever possible. For the most part I find that if I give Colum the choice between doing something himself or having us do it for him, he will choose the former. Even if it’s something he’s resisting, he’ll reluctantly go along with it as long as he can do it himself.

But then there are those things that they cannot control: like getting dressed every morning or departure times or what’s for dinner. That’s when you need a firm and consistent approach that can see you through. Some variation of a time-out and positive reinforcement system will help encourage good behaviour and discipline acting out. There’s lots of literature out there on the subject, but I think that as long as your approach is consistent and expectations are clear, it doesn’t matter what the exact repercussions are. (I use an armchair in the living room for “time out” — though we just call it a punishment — and also take away favourite toys and activities if the behaviour persists.)

There are times when nothing seems to work — or nothing you can think of, anyway. Often, those times are in public and will result in a meltdown. Apart from calling in the Supernanny, conventional wisdom claims we just have to grin and bear it. Try to avoid a scene and get through them as best you can and remember that this too will pass. And if you do lose your temper (as we all do from time to time) and you feel badly, then I think it’s best to apologize to your child. By treating your child as an individual worthy of respect you are modeling appropriate behaviour and at the same time teaching them that everyone gets frustrated and upset and needs to work on staying calm.

So make clear your expectations, MM, and hold to the consequences you have laid out. It won’t be easy, but eventually your child should respond and your mornings will get easier. I’ll let you know how it works for me.

********************************************
I’m trying something new, dear reader. In addition to my regular posts about the minutiae of my daily life and any larger ideas that I find time to explore, I would like to try my hand at an advice column. The above question (in case you couldn’t tell) is a fake in that I made it up. But I would love to hear from you and offer up some parenting advice, or direct you to someone who can, or at least have some fun at your expense. I plan to post these “Dear Playground” columns every second Monday, so you have over a week to get your questions in. And remember, there is a very good chance that your question will be the one I choose, given the vast expanse of emptiness that is my inbox. In fact, hypothetical scenarios will also be considered in a pinch.

Send your questions to rebecca@playgroundconfidential.com.

(Image courtesy of Larry Jones Illustration)