5 Reasons to Hate Bubbles

Bubbles are the worst. Here’s why:

1. They’re tricky. The prime bubble-enjoyment ages are probably between 12 months and 6 years which is still (often) too young to be able to master the art of making decent bubbles. So that means I have to stand there waving the bloody bubble wand around which is fun for maybe half an hour out of the year, max. (Although an older kid willing to hang in your backyard making bubbles for the tots is kind of sweet.)

2. There will be spills. Invariable the little kid who has been chasing the bubbles around will want to start making them for him/herself. “Let me try, Mommy! Let me try!” And you will cave — or the older kid will — and you will duly caution your child to just please be very careful. And then the soapy liquid will be all over the ground in five minutes flat, guaranteed.

3. There will be tears. No matter how you play it, bubbles never really make anyone happy. They are a shiny distraction from the big old ball of nothing that’s inside them. You can not let your kid try making bubbles and make them cry that way. Or you can let them cry tears of frustration because they can’t do it themselves no matter how hard they try. Either way, they’ll cry when all the bubble stuff gets spilled.

4. Good luck keeping that stuff together. So say you want to go ahead and play with some bubbles anyway because perhaps you are suffering from amnesia or maybe you’re a bit of a masochist. Let’s imagine, even, that you think the three and a half minutes of fun before the tears and the tantrums start are worth it. Okay, fine. Unless you make a special trip to the store to buy new bubble stuff each time, you will never find both wands and soap in the same place at the same time. Come on, it can’t be just me, right?

5. They aid in childhood abductions. (Or they could.) I’m not one to leech off of a parents worst fear, but the number of times I’ve almost lost a child in a crowded place because they’re chasing after some bubbles is ridiculous. It’s those stupid bubble guns vendors are now selling every place that caters to families and even some that don’t. The Beaches Jazz Festival? Really? Now these musicians have to compete with the AK47 of bubble guns, too? It’s not fair.

So, down with bubbles. Are you with me?