9 rules for shopping for OTHER PEOPLE’S kids

Oh, the crap I got for other people’s kids before I had kids of my own. “I’m sure he’s going to love this incredibly loud, battery-operated police car!” And then there’s the stuff my own kids have accumulated over the years. I mean, wow, that slime really doesn’t dry out.

Before I go further, however, let me say that any and all gifts we have ever received have always been appreciated. This is not a complaint log. Rather, it’s a live-and-learn list of tips that I like to keep in mind when shopping for others.

If I were to give one piece of gift-giving advice to people shopping for kids, it would be this: “Keep it simple.” Seriously, you could wrap a pack of crayons or a hot wheel car up in brown paper bag with a bow on it and most kids would be over the moon. And if they’re too old to be actually thrilled by that stuff, then they’re old enough to politely fake it.

Of course, I’m not going to give just one piece of advice. That would never go viral. Here’s nine other things to keep in mind when shopping for other people’s kids. (And, yes, there are always going to be exceptions to these rules. If you know a certain family loves doing crafts together, then by all means get them all the glitter glue in the world.)

1. Does this toy come with a million pieces? If the answer is yes, don’t buy it.

Of course, this is not fair because I have bought my own kids all manner of Lego, Rainbow Loom and beading kits. Then again, when I’m stepping on shards of Lego at midnight or spending the better part of my life sorting through itty bitty pieces, do you really want me cursing your name? It’s better to let the parents’ shoulder their own blame.

2. Is this a toy? Or is it really a bribe designed to buy a child’s love at the risk of alienating their parents?

If you know the parents are really opposed to video games, say, or make up or guns or anything overtly religious, then don’t buy those kinds of presents. But he’ll really like it! Don’t. But it’s harmless! Don’t. But maybe it’ll be okay! Then ask first.

3. Where the hell are they going to put this?

Maybe you’re shopping for a two-year-old whose parents have just moved into a huge house with an entirely empty playroom and you happen to know that they really want one of those big, plastic playhouse things. By all means, buy them one. If you are shopping for any other kid, step away from the mechanical ride-on Batmobile.

4. Just say no to furniture.

The neon-pink Dora rocking chair might look super cute in the store, and an appreciative toddler will likely scream in delight when they open it, but it’s still a bad idea. Imagine that after months upon months of bouncy chairs, jumparoos, exersaucers and assorted push toys, you finally have ridden your living space of giant hulks of brightly coloured plastic. Now imagine someone gave you that.

5. Approach gift cards with extreme caution.

I happen to know some parents who really appreciate gift cards. It does seem like a fail safe against buying “the wrong” gift. The kids and parents can pick out a gift for themselves and everyone is happy. Except that now the parents have to make a special trip to a store with their child. This can be extremely difficult for some families, especially if the store is not convenient to them. You’d also better make sure your gift card actually covers the cost of a decent toy at the store or you’re actually just costing the parents time and money.

6. Do they have time for this?

In any given week, I have approximately zero hours to spend doing extra, fun things with my kids. This may make me a horrible mom, but I don’t think it makes me unusual. After I finish walking my kids to and from school and extra curricular activities, going to the park or the library and otherwise bringing them places to do stuff, I have to worry about other frivolous chores like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and, I don’t know, earning a living. So we love toys or activities that will keep them busy while I’m cooking dinner, for example. Things that require constant adult supervision, on the other hand, tend to make us all feel really bad.

7. Those age recommendations are for real.

Is there anything more disappointing than spending a lot of money on a complicated board game, only to have the children scatter all the pieces while they try to “play” with it? Chances are they’re too young for that game. See also number 6, above. If a child is too young to play with a toy independently, you’re basically giving the parents another job to do. Likewise, your twelve-year-old niece probably doesn’t want that stuffed animal and while your nephew loved Toy Story four years ago, he’s probably over it now.

8. Unless you actually have stock in Duracell, lay off the batteries. (And even then.)

Battery-operated toys are the worst. Either the parents are counting the days until the battery dies and the toy will finally shut the f**k up, or they have to keep replacing the batteries in which case it’s like you never fully own the toy. Again, I’m sure there will be at least one battery-operated toy from Santa this year. So, I’m a hypocrite. Who isn’t?

9. More expensive really isn’t better.

Honestly, kids are fickle. Who even knows what they actually like. My kids can beg for a toy and then never actually wind up playing with it. I can tell you right now, wrap up a pack of Pokemon cards for any six to nine-old-boy and you will be a hero. Books, puzzles, crafty “design your own” kits, science-type kits, dolls, action figures and any classic toys are always a win. The great thing about shopping for other people’s kids is that you don’t have to get them the present of the year. In fact, if the family celebrates Christmas, chances are that Santa is supposed to deliver the big gifts with the wow factor.

So let’s not give Santa too much competition, okay?

What are some of the worst gifts your kids have been given? Or that you gave somebody else (out of love, of course)?