Hey Rebecca: Anger Management

Hey Rebecca,

What do you do when your child throws her plastic stool when angry? She’s got a little temper!!

Radioactive Mamma

Well, RM, I know my gut reaction would be to snatch that stool away and whip it across the room myself. But that wouldn’t be “modeling appropriate behaviour,” would it? Getting a grip on our emotions is something we all struggle with from time to time, but there are clearly some extra-sensitive stages. Toddlers. Teens. Post-partum moms with a screaming four-week-old and a tantrum-y toddler? Definitely.

I’m sure I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know. This is your daughter and you know her better than anyone. I really think that reading up on parenting (once you’re beyond those first baby days when you really do need to learn how things work) is more about remembering what works best. Remembering what is best in the heat of the moment . . . well, that’s another story. I also happen to know that your daughter is a wee bit older than my oldest (who’s only just about three) and will therefore need more sophisticated solutions.

That said, I am a really big believer in the power of language to harness emotions. I don’t mean that we should talk at our angry kids or that we can talk them out of their temper tantrums. (Goodness knows pleading won’t work either — they can hear the desperation in our voices.) I mean teaching kids how to express verbally what is bothering them and how they feel and what they want to happen. This is not going to happen overnight or all at once. And they won’t necessarily ever express all of that in one sitting, I don’t think. But language is funny. By virtue of saying, “I’m sorry,” we start to feel a bit more sorry. The process of explaining what we want makes us focus on that goal rather than on the cloud of fury that is surrounding it.

Invariably, part of my process is recognizing that Young C is losing his shit and that I’m not exactly the embodiment of patience either and just walking away. (Or taking a deep breath if leaving the room for a moment is not an option.) I then stop worrying about whatever it was that got us here and focus on defusing the tantrum. He’s still little and by this time there are tears, so I can usually give him a hug at this point. That won’t be possible with an older child. But then I start asking if he feels frustrated or disappointed or angry. And I don’t worry about the words being too big, either, I just try to precisely identify the feeling he’s experiencing. (There’s no reason why he can know what pterodactyl means, but not frustrated.) I then try to get him to explain why, but sometimes have to supply the language. The point is to focus on identifying and communicating their emotions and their obstacles to feeling better. Don’t back down over the consequences to their behaviour by any means, but do suggest acceptable alternatives.

And sometimes that doesn’t work very well either (or you just don’t have the time) and the tantrum just has to run its course. Even if that means wrestling them onto the little bench seat of the sit and stand stroller, strapping on the seat belt, and making the 20 minute walk home with the brat arching his back and dragging his brand new running shoes on the sidewalk and wailing the entire way. Just a hypothetical, of course. Or, if you are a person who can stomach the phrase “blockage in the energy field,” then forget all of that and follow Susie J’s quick tapping solution. When that doesn’t work, Kids Health has some excellent guidelines for curbing anger, and Tears ‘N Tantrums has compiled a good list of coping techniques for toddlers. (I especially like #12. Tolerance. Because sometimes we just have to pick our battles.)

There are other options, of course. Jenny On The Spot featured a clip of a dad who had never lost his temper with his son and is always able to “explain” things to him “until the difficulty is solved.” Isn’t that just wonderful? As Jenny says, “… I’ve tried dialogue with all 3 of my children. I do pretty well with my 6 and 9 year old. They have the ability to grasp concepts… But at 18 months… 24 months… h-e-doublehockeysticks… even a 4 year old… There is a fangy emotional beast that lives in toddlers and preschoolers.” Exactly. Good for that dad, but for the rest of us parents who live in the time and space continuum and are real, honest-to-goodness, emotional creatures ourselves, our kids get a taste of what being a snotty-nosed out-of-control brat will get you in the real world.

Hey Rebecca is an occasional advice column here at Playground Confidential. I let you help me figure out what to research! Please keep emailing your questions to rebecca[at]playgroundconfidential[dot]com and let me dig around for solutions.