Jessica Alba and I Are Basically The Same

We are such a lucky generation of parents. Not only do we get to disregard the wisdom of our own parents and grandparents on account of their formula-feeding, playpen-using and hard-soled baby shoe-pushing ways, we also have countless experts and competing “parenting philosophies’ to choose from. And if the experts with strings of letters behind their names are not enough, there’s the vast and murky virtual ocean of mom bloggers to drown in  relate to and take comfort from.

But most of all, we have celebrity parents.

Jessica Alba is currently promoting her new book, The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You in which she gives some pointers for being more healthy, fun, stylish and engaged as a parent. Sounds like a hoot. According to this Celebitchy post (which is the sum total of everything I have read on the topic), Alba has also made a point of contrasting herself with Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltrow is clearly living in an out-of-touch, elite sphere whereas Alba is nothing but down-to-earth and relatable.

Hey! Let’s take a look at this breakdown of a typical Jessica Alba day (as excerpted from the NY Daily News by Celebitchy) and then compare it to my typical day. You know, for kicks.

7 a.m.: Feed your tot the homemade baby food you made over the weekend by pureeing a pound of peeled veggies with chicken stock, a clove of garlic, fresh ginger and sea salt. Serve yourself a green smoothie by blending cucumber, kale, celery, apples, ginger and lemon juice.

7 a.m.: Flail wildly at the alarm clock until you manage to hit the snooze button. Finally drag your sorry ass out of bed after repeatedly begging your husband to go get the screaming baby doesn’t work. Serve the kids some mainstream cereal and non-organic milk unless they are whining for bagels or toast. Basically, do whatever you need to do to make them shut up until your coffee is ready. Curse yourself for being too damn lazy to make school lunches the night before and slap together a ham sandwich with a granola bar side. Mmmm. Corn sugar and nitrites.

8 a.m.: Put your best face forward by whipping up a quick coffee scrub, stirring a tablespoon of finely ground java with a 1/2 cup of full-fat Greek yogurt, and a dash of lemon juice if your skin is oily, or coconut oil for dry skin.

8 a.m.: Pull your greasy hair back into a ponytail and try to rub yesterday’s yogurt stain off your shirt with a baby wipe. Gulp back some more coffee and rush the kids out the door to catch the school bus.

9 a.m.: Dressing is a snap since your closet is so organized – labels are a must! And with all your wardrobe staples (a fitted blazer, the perfect jeans and playful scarves), there’s always something to wear.

9 a.m.: Dressing is a snap because you only have one pair of jeans that fits and one t-shirt that will pass for clean. You stopped using your closet altogether at some point between baby two and three. It’s much easier to just rifle through the basket of clean laundry until you run out of underwear and do another load.

Noon: You’re planning a dinner party tonight, so hit your local greenmarket or specialty store during lunch for fresh organic ingredients.

Noon: Sure, if you call a box of Ritz crackers, a bottle of Pinot Noir and a Girls marathon a dinner party. And crap, you meant to pick up groceries during lunch, but Facebook.

5 p.m.: Get back to your pre-pregnancy weight by working out with a friend or chasing your three-year-old around. A chiropractor and prenatal yoga teacher are godsends for mommies-to-be.

5 p.m.: You’re yelling at one kid to do his homework for the love of god how many times to do you have to ask. Another kid is having a meltdown and asking for a new mommy because you put your foot down and said that three hours of TV is more than enough for a four year old. The 18-month-old is clawing at your legs and you’re desperately trying to figure out what to feed everyone for dinner. Does stress promote weight loss?

6 p.m.: Prep the dinner party while readying your kids for bed. Roast two chickens in the oven while the little ones take their bath.

6 p.m. : Oh good, your husband just called from the office. He should be home in another hour and a half. You’ve been working on dinner for 45 minutes and have yet to begin cooking anything. Somebody just told you they have a project due tomorrow.

7 p.m.: Put the kids to bed; setting an early bedtime makes time for you and your hubby later in the evening.

7 p.m.: You’re finally eating. Two out three kids are anyway which is a win. You gave up expecting to feed everyone a long time ago. What’s that? Your husband’s going to be home? Plan to get out of the house while you can.

8 p.m.: Party time! Serve the roasts with premade nuts, cheese and olives, and have the guests bring the wine and dessert.

8 p.m.: Bahahaha. Kiddie bedtime is finally underway and then you have at least two hours of work to finish before you can even think about that date with your couch. Cry a little bit.

Mad props to Corinne McDermott of Have Baby Will Travel for serving me this idea on a silver platter and begging me to write it. Inspired.