You won’t believe the latest parenting fad, ghetto-rearing

The latest parenting trend doesn’t borrow from the French or from the past. Its inspiration is the poor. That’s right. Rich and a-little-bit-less-rich (ie. “middle class”) parents are starting to take a good look at their own spoiled-rotten little brats and then compare them to the self-sufficient and less demanding kids of poor people.

“It’s not really fair,” one North Toronto mom said. “The amount of time I spend trying to teach my kids that money doesn’t just grow on trees and instill in them some sense of gratefulness, you know? I mean, kids whose parents really can’t afford a Sky Zone birthday party don’t even have this problem.”

The solution is something called Ghetto-rearing. Parents try to mimic the lifestyles of the very poor and marginally poor in a last-ditch effort to teach their kids to stop being so fucking spoiled. This includes things like taking public transportation. Die-hard adherents might even go so far as to leave one car at the cottage all winter long. Desperate parents of kids who have never heard the word “no,” are even setting aside nutritional, environmental and ethical concerns, and stocking up on highly processed foods like boxed and microwavable meals. The food itself might not be good for them, but the fact that they can learn to get their own damn dinner most definitely is.

In an ironic twist, some families are even laying off their beloved nannies in order to replicate the sense of insecurity and solitude that helps poor kids grow up so fast. “On the one hand,” said a dad from the Beach, “we’ve had this poor woman practically raising our kids for years. Yet none of the advantages of poverty seem to be rubbing off. It’s like she treats them different from her own kids who I know have been walking home from school on their own since grade 3.”

Many experts agree that poor parents have it easier. “Well-off families think they are giving their children the very best,” says developmental psychologist Red Ahlot. “But the reality is that they are over-scheduled and, quite frankly, molly coddled. Children of extremely poor and emotionally unavailable parents, on the other hand, are often far more independent and street smart at a much younger age.”

And, you know, it’s true. A 2013 Psychology Today article called “The problem with rich kids,” explains how the children of rich parents are practically guaranteed extremely dysfunctional teen years. The very fact that the best schools, tutors, after-school and sports programs are readily available to them makes it feel like failure is not an option. The pressure to succeed in all elements of life is profound, resulting in high rates of eating disorders, self-mutilating behaviour, drug and alcohol abuse, depression and anxiety and even crime.

“You know, it’s like we spend all this time and money … well, mostly money,” explain Steve and Jennifer in the formal living room of their Kingsway home, “and he can’t even beat out some poor kid for an after-school shift at McDonald’s. That other kid needs that job to help provide for his family. So how do we instill that same sense of hunger in our son so the next part-time job doesn’t go to yet another working-class teen? That’s what we’re hoping to learn from this program.”

And after-school jobs at fast food and retail chains are only the tip of the iceberg. Some affluent parents are worried that high tuitions are the only things giving their kids a shot at university at this point. “These poor kids work their butts off,” a Rosedale father said. “They’re all competing for this handful of scholarship spots and are willing to study around the clock to have a chance to nab one. I mean, it’s just a good thing there aren’t very many of those spots available.”

Happy April 1st, everyone.