Your child is a wonderful creature filled with intellectual curiosity and boundless joy. She is a fucking delight. No, I’m serious. I bet she is. And you deserve some credit. You are a committed and fully engaged parent who takes great pains to make sure you do things the right way. Your entire family is good, decent, moral and you are champions of the environment. You should be proud.
But can you be proud in a less douchebaggy kind of way? Lemme help you with that.
1. Remember that it’s just lunch and nobody cares.
The answer to what did you guys have for lunch today is not, “Slices of locally-sourced, free-range, organic chicken breasts slow-roasted in my backyard fire pit and then served atop homemade spelt loaf with my own special garlic aioli, and organic watercress and heirloom tomatoes from the farmers market.” The answer is, “A chicken sandwich.”
2. We already know that your kid’s better than ours, so lay off the bragging.
For example, don’t say, “Atticus has made us all so proud by placing first in the regional badminton tournament while practicing for his piano recital at the Royal Conservatory and being honoured with an award for most generous student at school. I honestly don’t how he manages to do it all while volunteering at the retirement home. We are so blessed to have such a talented and big-hearted boy in our lives.” Don’t say that and then plaster pictures of your superstar all over Instagram and Facebook so we can’t even mess around online without feeling inadequate. Try a “Way to go, buddy!” instead.
3. There’s something in the Bible about not posting all your good deeds to the Internet. I’m pretty sure there is.
It truly is wonderful that you’ve donated your kids’ clothing to refugee, single mothers with amputee kids. That you do that on top of making all your own furniture out of driftwood you find while volunteering to clean up the local beach, spearheading the fundraising committee at your kids’ alternative school and running a marathon for ovarian cancer research is actually breathtaking. You should win an award. If we give you an award, will you stop talking about it?
4. You don’t get to dictate what kind of gifts your kid gets, so maybe stop trying.
By all means, dress your kids in head-to-toe organic cotton or nothing but vintage thrift store finds from the 70s, depending on where you fall on the Gwyneth Paltrow-Alicia Silverstone scale. Deck their nursery out in muted earth tones and take a vigilant stand against plastic. But don’t expect the whole world to give a crap. Your kid’s going to come home with half the dollar store in a loot bag one day no matter what you do. Might as well be gracious.
5. Pinterest already takes care of our self-loathing quota on the craft front. So you can give it a rest on Facebook, okay?
I honestly think it’s great that you spend hours a day making stuff out of mason jars, burlap and birch bark with your kids. They will probably cherish those memories forever. I don’t actually know because my mom was too busy working double shifts to do crap like that with us but one time I made a caterpillar out of half an egg carton and some crayons. That was good.
The first four images were taken from goop.com because it was too easy.
Number five (because I’m pretty sure Gwynnie doesn’t craft) is courtesy of this talented photographer on Flickr.
15 replies on “How to stop sounding like a douchebag parent in 5 easy steps”
Ha. Awesome. I know some parents like this. And yes, they constantly make me feel inferior.
Don’t let them, Laura!
I can’t wait til my son gets to high school (next year) and he can take PB and J to school!
Of course, by then they can worry about their own lunches, right?
This is perfect…if I can say such a thing…
Perfect is one of my approved comments, yes. Thank you!
Great list … this is just for starters … I’m sure this list could be a lot longer. :)
I just threatened my kids with consequences if they didn’t stay in the basement and play nicely together so I could read this. Where can I pick up my ” Parent of the Year” award? Right after I post a photo of the 3 seconds where they actually got along and brag about how much they love each other, of course.
All a matter of perspective, I suppose. Some may think it is douchebaggy to complain about dollar store loot bags. Others may think it is douchebaggy to tell others that they’re a douchebag for complaining about dollar store loot bags on facebook. Either way, one of us is friends with a douchebag. ;)
The point is that your kid will eventually come home with half a dollar bag’s worth of loot bags no matter what you do. So be gracious when accepting gifts throughout your child’s life. And also, I used the phrases “sounding like” and “douchebaggy” rather than calling anyone outright a douchebag. Thirdly, the entire post is tongue-in-cheek humour that is making gross exaggerations and caricatures of certain types in the interest of a laugh and maybe a little insight. I hate over-the-top dollar store loot bags, for what it’s worth.
But thank you for your comment, because it does seem that at least a couple people didn’t realize this was supposed to be funny.
I do realize that you were trying to be funny and that a lot of people found it funny. I’ve done that too several times and been accused of being judgmental each time that I tried a tongue-in-cheek type of post poking fun at differences in parenting styles or choices.
I also know that I’ve done every single one of these things and often done so intentionally for reasons other than bragging or complaining.
I’ve seen a lot of posts lately telling people what to post or not post on facebook (I may have even done it myself at times), some in a joking tone and some entirely serious. On the one hand it may be helpful for people to realize that their posts are being perceived or received differently than they were intended, but on the other hand it may make people feel like they can’t post about their lives and the things that are important to them without sounding like a douchebag.
Fair enough. I’m mostly here to entertain ;)
This is wonderful. Have been subjected to these judgey, holier-than-thou comments for years and years in my Toronto hood. I disagree with Annie – I think when people make a point of these things they are absolutely bragging and proclaiming their wonderfulness 99% of the time. So tiring.
In my case, I not only get the parenting judgey-ness, but also health related proclamations as well. As someone with chronic health issues, I often struggle just to get my kids to school in the morning or get supper on the table. The odd time I have to cancel a play date or whatever, not only do I have to deal with my kids’ disappointment and my own guilt about that, but I’m frequently dealing with a grilling from the other parent on whether I’ve tried EVERY alternative health therapy and did I ever do my elimination diets properly and if I only ate different food I would have no health problems whatsoever (despite my issues being genetic and having very little to do with whether I “ate gluten” that day or not).
I must say though, I do enjoy craft posts!
I promise not to assume your issues are 99% due to you eating gluten that day if you promise not to assume my reason for posting things is 99% for bragging and proclaiming my wonderfulness.
This is just what I needed – as a single mother, I am constantly reminded of how I simply don’t live up – glad to see it rephrased in language I understand…’douchebag’ simply precious! THANK YOU!