7 New Year’s resolutions I’ve already failed at

Here’s a fun and festive idea. Let’s take a look at all the things a modern woman and mother is supposed to make a priority according to the mainstream media.

1. Time to myself.

We work too hard. We always think about others first. Shouldn’t this be the year we finally carve out time to just relax and do something that makes us feel better? Now, why didn’t you think of that before, silly lady?

2. Exercise.

Because we need to invest in our own health if we want to have the energy to invest in others. I must be doing it wrong because exercising only ever takes my time and energy, leaving me panting, red-faced and completely unable to focus on anything other than where my next glass of water comes from. And also, is this happening during my “time to myself” time? Because that’s a rip off.

3. Healthy food.

I am right there with you at first because as long as we are cooking and eating anyway, then it might as well be healthy, right? But then I start reading those health food recipes and meal plans and I realize they want me to spend an entire Sunday in the kitchen batch cooking things like millet, beet soup and lentils and I’d still only have enough food to feed Ariana Grande for maybe three days, tops, forget about my entire family of five for a week. I’m not even going to talk about how much this health food will cost.

4. Beauty and fashion.

It really goes hand-in-hand with the health kick thing, doesn’t it? It’s time to put your best foot forward which, of course, means getting a proper hair cut and manicure. It also means booking yourself in for a slew of various hair removal treatments, taking care of the newest crop of random moles and skin tags, covering up grey hair and investing a small fortune in lotions and balms because you’re not 25 any more, kid. Oh, and you’re not wearing that, are you?

5. Time spent with loved ones.

Of course, there’s nothing more important in life than making time for the people you love. (They only tell you to put yourself first to be nice, but nobody really wants you to do that.) Be present at your son’s hockey game, cherish those endless afternoons picking up after your toddler, make time for your parents and friends. Be a fucking rock star in bed for your husband. Why else did you bother with all that hair removal, anyway?

6. My career.

Clearly, you have ambitions. It’s going to be 2015 and while we have to give lip service to things like “time to yourself” and “loved ones,” they can’t really come at the expense of any self-respecting women’s professional aspirations. (Unless you choose to be home with your kids because that’s totally a job too and we all respect you for it but, ooh, look at that woman over there who has it ALL.) 

7. My home.

Didn’t you see? There are 26 easy ways to organize your home in thirty minutes or less. What is your problem, lady? Isn’t cooking healthy meals a priority for you? How can you do that when you haven’t reorganized your pantry? Not that you can start reorganizing your pantry when your daughter can’t find a pencil to do her homework which is also a priority. And occasionally sweeping the floor and sending your kids to school to clean clothes doesn’t even make the priority list, really, because those things are a given.

When I read about the kinds of things that I’m supposed to improve on this new year, I feel like a homeless person shopping the Pottery Barn catalogue. Before I try to radically improve upon my entire life, health, career and home, shouldn’t I just try to make it through the day without crying? Because SERIOUSLY.

And you know that list just skims the very top of everything we’re supposed to be achieving better and more beautifully. I didn’t even talk about the books we should be reading and the other assorted culture we should be supporting and consuming. There’s also charity, community, volunteering, interior design, knitting, canning and growing our own freaking food. Don’t even get me started on camping, travelling, family excursions and continuing education. The list never ends.

I am already getting buried alive by the mountain of guilt I have about not keeping up with my New Year’s resolutions. Yes, that’s right, I am gasping for breath, sick to my stomach and I just sweat through my best bra simply thinking about resolutions I have not even come up with yet.

“But, Rebecca, it’s just another day,” you say. “You don’t need to put all this pressure on yourself.”

Except I don’t want it to be just another day. I need all the fresh starts I can muster. I will double down on promises and resolutions as often as I can. New Year’s? Yes, please! What’s next? Lent? I live for religious-tainted self deprivation! Every changing season is a chance to sweep out the old and usher in the new. Back-to-school is my high holiday of hope and aspiration.

I need these occasions for taking stock of what’s important and figuring out what I can do better. I need another chance — as many as I can get — to say, please, don’t let me screw it up again.

Oh god, I’m going to screw it up again. It’s impossible! How can we possibly improve on anything without completely ditching all our other responsibilities, running away to Tijuana and embarking on a new spiritual journey?

This is not the place where you come for answers, but maybe we should all turn down the delusion a few notches this year. What was that I said earlier about making it through the day without crying? That’s a reasonable goal. Let’s start there and then work our way backward to figure out how to make it happen.

If all else fails, pass the margarita.