Hey Rebecca,
A fellow mom in my mom’s group was horribly sleep-deprived, sobbing and feeling emotionally bombarded by all the bullshit on the internet that tells her she is to blame for the night-nursing her ten-month-old baby is doing. Can we talk truthfully about what it’s like to breastfeed a nearly-one-year old?
Signed,
Sick of the web
Dear Sick of the Web,
Ah, the Internet. How can something that is so good at propagating conspiracy theories and hating on celebrities be so bad at diagnosing complicated medical conditions and nurturing a baby?
Of course there are people who will tell you that you’re doing it wrong. They may have always put their babies to sleep on their own and started a bedtime cereal feed at four months old and seem to remember it all like a scene out of Leave it to Beaver. Or maybe they nursed their babies on demand around the clock in slings and in the family bed for over a year and were never happier or more fulfilled in their lives.
Just a shot in the dark, though: maybe they had different babies? And an entirely unique set of circumstances? Perhaps their baby was an even-tempered, good-sleeper type and they also needed to prioritize their own sleep in order to return to a high-stress job outside of the house. Or maybe they had a drowsy baby who would wake easily, nurse, and then settle back down just as easily and also the luxury of a paid maternity leave.
And maybe your baby is super-sensitive, high-strung and refuses to nap on the go, but you have to wake her up early every freaking day to pick up her brother from school plus you’re trying to hustle up some income by working from home in your “down time” and these night-time feedings are killing you dead. Ahem. Like, er, hypothetically, that could happen to someone.
Remember this: it’s going to be okay. You are tired, but your baby is fine. However you manage to get through the next few months is going to be hunky-freaking-dory with your baby as long as he is well-fed and well-loved. Eventually the kid will sleep better. Often, it’s enough just to remember that. Write it on a flashcard, make it your mantra and cling to it with visions of a complete REM cycle in your heart.
Sure, there’s also stuff you can try. In my three-babies-worth of experience, if you start gently putting a baby down to sleep on their own after the first few weeks (so you can actually do something productive in the evenings), it does help them become better at independent sleep and self-soothing. But also, in my experience, if you have been co-sleeping and nursing a baby to sleep every time and suddenly try some extreme sleep-training madness, it will achieve little more than torturing mom, baby and Mrs. Mendoza from down the hall.
The entire first year of a baby’s life is essentially a growth spurt. They need to be fed and they need to feel safe and secure. Breastfeeding does all of those things so well, of course your baby is going to turn to you throughout the night. For every improvement in sleep patterns, there seems to be a regression waiting around the corner. This is normal. I eventually had some night-time success with my first born (but not until 15 months or so) by gradually disassociating feeding and sleeping. I know many others who simply decided to try to relish the closeness at night and waited it out.
But whatever you decide, that baby’s still going to get a cold, cut a molar or a hundred and one other things and end up back in your bed for a little bit looking for comfort. So for the love of all that is sane and reasonable in this world, cut yourself some slack.
The one thing none of us truly have no time for is guilt.