There’s a rule that if you are going to hand out birthday party invitations at school, then you have to invite everybody in the class. I just today found out about this rule.
I sent Colum to school with a handful of invitations for a few favourite classmates and a mom friend told me about it in the school yard. Maybe I’d heard/read something about it before? Like last year maybe? In any case, I didn’t know.
It will be okay because I already sent a note to school last week and asked if his kindergarten teacher could discreetly put the invites in the kids’ bags and she said sure. I also told Colum that his teacher would give them out and he shouldn’t say anything because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t want anyone to feel left out. But we simply cannot accomodate everybody. I thought I was being extra considerate.
I don’t understand what else parents are supposed to do. I can invite the kids we see outside of school, sure. I can invite the kids whose parents I already know and like. But those aren’t necessarily going to be the same people my children want to invite. If a child goes to daycare or is bussed in, then they don’t get birthday party invitations? Not unless we invite all 20 children?!
I was so happy for Colum when he was invited to a couple birthday parties over the past year. I was excited that a couple kids liked him enough to want them at their parties. He had friends and I was careful to make sure those people were also among the few to be invited to our party. And now I feel cheated.
I feel worse than cheated. I feel foolish and there’s a lump in my throat as I write this. Those party invitations which we were not expecting in the first place were not special overtures toward friendship. We rearranged our family’s weekend schedule to accomodate those parties and the birthday kid, perhaps, didn’t even particularly want us there. Those invites were nothing but an obligatory duty set forth by some meddling administration.
And now, when Colum’s classmates receive their invitations, will they also imagine that everyone was invited? They (or their parents, rather) won’t realize that we only invited seven children. They’ll probably assume we aren’t expecting, indeed don’t even want, everyone to attend.
And to what end? So everybody feels included and nothing is special. Of course, people will continue to have parties and they will continue to invite only a select few people. As the kids get older, they will know. It doesn’t matter if invitations are handed out inside or outside of school. They will know. Not everybody is going to be friends with everybody, that’s just life. There’s no school policy that can change that.
Am I missing something? Do policies like these really help anyone at all?
10 replies on “It’s My (Kid’s) Party”
We have the same policy at our school. But nobody follows it, at least I have never nor other moms I know. Like you I write a little note asking if the teacher could slip the invites in the kids’ bags at the end of the day.
And you don’t know either if those birthday invites you got were only because they were for the whole class…don’t let it bother you.
I honestly don’t know anyone who invites the whole class, I think the school means well but at least in my school nobody follows that rule.
I feel like I’m missing something… the school has an actual *policy* stating that all children are to be invited to a party, or none are? That is… that is insane. I would totally NOT follow that rule, consequences be damned. There is no way you want 20+ kindergarteners in your home, no matter how big it is. C’s been invited to a few parties, and every party he’s ever had included a mix of relations, classmates and daycare friends (when applicable).
Bloody administration…
E’s preschool also has that policy, but similarly it’s also not followed.
Actually, I believe that the policy is more about distributing invites through the school vs dictating who you do / don’t invite … ie. they don’t want to have to manage the kids feelings should the invites be handed out (if even by accident) in front of others who were not invited. In our case, it’s easy to manage, because the school also provides a class / parent contact list (opt-in of course), which allows parents to reach each other directly for playdates, or birthday parties if it were.
I say don’t sweat it, and agree with the others that Column was likely invited genuinely in the past :)
In kindergarten, I would stealthily sneak the invitations to parents and caregivers, as it was indeed an all for one and one for all policy once the invites went through the school doors. I don’t even know if this new school has a policy or not, since my kid has not been invited to even one birthday party this year. At least I don’t have to worry about disingenuous shows of friendship, I guess.
“Those party invitations which we were not expecting in the first place were not special overtures toward friendship.” That’s heartbreaking. Really.
Because teachers don’t have enough work to do, they have to enforce policies regarding socializing OUTside school hours? Yeesh. When my eldest turned 6 we stopped hosting parties. My sons don’t mind and I get to opt-out of the increasingly, politicized sphere of party planning. Sometimes I hate my peer group.
If this policy exists at our school, I have no idea. (but then I miss lots of memos in backpacks) But yeah, it seems too much. Don’t we as adults have to deal with not being invited to things? Like the everyone gets a trophy policy, it just seems a bit ridiculous.
I love all the comments so far. Thanks for echoing my sentiments and having my back. I agree that they probably just want to keep the invitations out of the classroom altogether, but that’s also unfair in a school where many kids (including mine 4/5 days) are bussed.
The girl’s SK class last year had that policy and I was fine with it as they were young. The parties ranged from games at a playground with cake to a hired DJ.
Now she’s in grade one in a new school (we moved) without this policy.I invited all the girls in her class plus outside school friends. As the new kid I didn’t think she should leave anyone out.
Some classmates have everyone (bowling or swim party) and some don’t. She “gets” that the latter is nothing personal.
I think once they are six and older, it’s a good lesson to learn – don’t rub it in AND don’t take it personally if you aren’t invited. And don’t use the invite list as a popularity power play.
At my child’s school they are a little more reasonable, but do still have a rule. The rule is that you can invite a few friends within the class, but you cannot invite everyone except one or two kids. That rule I actually have no problem with, and I’m not sure that it’s overly enforced, except that the kids know about it so it guides their expectations. It certainly helped me limit the number of invitees to my daughter’s party.
My daughter takes the bus to school, as do a number of her friends, so there’s really no way I could just distribute invitations to her friends’ parents. She handed out the invitations herself during recess.
I think the rule at our school is that the teacher will only hand out invitations out if there is one for everyone, otherwise it’s up the parents/kids to distribute. I don’t see how they could possibly enforce a rule that obliges you to invite everyone in the class. That is preposterous.
(And also? No parent expects that every kid in the class is going to be invited to birthday parties.)
Amanda