Motherhood is not …

 

In “really, freaking obvious things that Rebecca is still trying to wrap her head around” news, I scrawled out some thoughts about motherhood on an actual piece of paper yesterday. I was having one of those moments in which having the best of both worlds really feels like having the worst of them. Or, rather, it feels like I’m just doing a shitty job all around.

It was just the usual. Like, while being able to earn some income freelancing from home with three young children underfoot is great because it affords me flexibility and lets me be a big part of their everyday lives, it also sucks. It means less money, no job security, no benefits, no HR and payroll department making sure I pay into CPP and EI and deducting income tax. It means feeling like you’re always on and, in fact, always being just “one more email,” just “let me get these edits in” away from sitting down and actually spending time with my kids.

I was feeling like I’m sacrificing (or at least putting on hold) greater career ambitions to be around for my kids and I have piles of laundry, a sink full of dishes and kids basking in the glow of the TV to show for it. I was a failed professional, a failed homemaker, a failed grown up. Maybe even a failed mother.

But then, no. That’s not right either. And this is the part where I started writing thoughts down.

Because being a good mother isn’t measured in homemade cookies or hand-sewn costumes.

It’s not measured in tempers lost and tears shed.

It’s not the sum total of wholesome food made from scratch subtracted by takeout dinners and then further divided by Happy Meals.

It’s not measured by the time spent at your child’s side or by the hours of screen time logged. Nor is it gauged by how much money you earn or how readily your baby took your breast.

It’s measured slowly over days and weeks and years. It unfolds over a lifetime.

Being a good mother isn’t something you get to cross off a list. It’s measured in love — in the love and work poured out over decades. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts, as the philosopher said. We are becoming our own people still, while we help our children become theirs.

So, you know. It’s going to be okay.