Obsess Much?

Ok, I’m starting to obsess.

I thought I was alright until last night when I sat down to finish an hour or two’s worth of work after putting the kids to bed at 8:30. Cue 11pm and I still have yet to write a sentence because I’m too busy googling “no heartbeat with doppler at 12 weeks” and “missed miscarriages.” Did you know that it’s possible for your baby’s heart to stop and not have any symptoms of a miscarriage for weeks? Then I started to wonder if I even feel pregnant anymore. I mean, I do feel better. But then again, that’s what the second trimester does for you anyway.

I was pretty much just planning on waiting until my 16 week appointment to hear the heartbeat. I already waited all this time, right? What’s the difference? I certainly look pregnant. Of course, given that this is my third pregnancy, the chances are pretty good that I’ll be able to feel the baby move by then anyway. So the heartbeat will be no big deal. So … do I continue to obsess for another couple weeks or do I drag my ass back to my midwife to try again on Thursday morning? And if I don’t hear it again? It’s still early, so I continue to obsess for another week or two. Ugh.

(Yes, I could have scheduled a 12 week ultrasound, but I decided just to do the one at 20 weeks instead and you need to book these things weeks in advance. If, by 16 weeks, there’s still no heartbeat with the doppler then I’d be sent to an emergency ultrasound clinic.)

And did I mention that I’m huge? I’ve always shown my pregnancies fairly early and carried all my weight right up front in my belly, so that’ s not really anything new. When I was about six months along with Irene an elderly woman who lived in the apartment building I was working at stopped to argue with me about my due date. I simply could not have another three months to go; that was impossible; I was too big. Unless, that is, I was carrying twins.

Twins. Yep. I also filled up my Google search bar with queries like, “early signs of twins,” “12 week twin belly pics,” and “no heartbeat 12 weeks twin pregnancy.” Now, let’s get this straight: I’m not having twins. No way, no how, unh-uh. First of all, I’m always big. Maybe not quite this big, but I went into this pregnancy with a few extra pounds to begin with and, hello, it’s my third freaking pregnancy. I also have no history of twins in my family whatsoever which lowers the odds of naturally conceiving fraternal twins. And identical twins are really quite rare. (Thanks, Google.) But everywhere I turn people are talking about twins.

First, the med student at my endocrinology and pregnancy clinic wanted to confirm how many babies I was expecting. Huh? I was eight weeks pregnant, how could I know? Then Rebecca Woolf from Girls Gone Child who just announced her third pregnancy found out that she was indeed expecting twins. People started misspelling “baby’s” as “babies” and suddenly half the people I talked to seemed to have twins. Out of the friggin blue my husband and my mother-in-law separately told me that it would be nice to have twins. Then Colum comes padding into my bedroom the other morning talking about Jojo and Robin. Who? Jojo, I knew, is the name he’s given the baby, but Robin was new because he decided it was going to be twins. And did I mention just how big I am?

***

I didn’t get a chance to finish this post earlier today and I must say that I feel somewhat less crazy and obsessed. I might pop in for another stab at the heartbeat Thursday, or I might not. I’ll see how I feel. The odds of my having twins (and not being able to hear either baby’s heartbeat!) is astronomically small. I’m pretty sure I’m still pregnant according to my sticky right hip, the massive zit on my chin, my ginormous belly and even bigger appetite. And I almost started crying just watching Irene watch TV earlier today.

Anyway, I’ve found a new obsession to fuel my procrastination yet. Gardening! (Like I may plant some basil and rhubarb, maybe.)