Passing on the Ban Bossy bandwagon

I’ve been reluctant to weigh in on the Ban Bossy campaign that was launched this week by Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In organization and the Girl Scouts of America. I can’t remember the last time so much has been said about so little, so quickly. Not since Maria Kang’s original “What’s your excuse?” Facebook post at least!

I mean, I like Sheryl Sandberg and can get behind her intentions with the Lean In project. I understand what she’s getting at and thought the whole, “Let’s stop calling our daughters bossy” point was an interesting part of her larger message. But this just seems kind of feel-good-rah-rah-rah-go-girls-bring-in-the-Spice-Girls-esque to me. Except she didn’t bring in the Spice Girls. She brought in Beyoncé. And Jennifer Garner. And Jane Lynch. And Condoleeza Rice. Those are some powerful female voices, so maybe it’s worth exploring why the whole campaign leaves me feeling luke warm, after all.

First: Ban Bossy? Really? I get that it’s a catchy, hashtagable phrase with alliteration to boot. It’s not meant to be taken literally. Nobody’s actually suggesting that laws should be passed forbidding the use of the word bossy. So maybe they should have used word that doesn’t actually mean that. Because the very notion of policing a relatively innocent adjective sits wrong with me. The number of hate crimes linked to the word bossy were at last (imaginary) count still none.

Why not reclaim bossy? Reappropriate it in the manner of “queer” or “slut,” if you must. But must you? I, for one, don’t see a problem with using bossy as a slightly critical adjective that describes someone’s habit of ordering other people around. In fact, I never really associated bossiness with being a boss or a leader despite the obvious linguistic relationship. Because a good boss should not be bossy. A good leader is assertive, commands respect, has vision and the ability to motivate people. She is not overbearing and pushy. Her position is not resented.

When my five-year-old daughter rudely barks commands at me or her siblings and friends, demanding we do her bidding, I absolutely tell her that’s not the way to behave. I want her to learn there are more effective (and nicer) ways to ask for things. I’m not trying to squelch her spirit. On the contrary, I want to encourage her to lead. I just don’t think acting like a bossy brat is the way to go about it.

And, yes, I’d also tell my son to stop being bossy, rude or demanding if he ever acted that way. But he doesn’t. In fact, thinking back to grade school and to all the boys and girls I have ever known, it seems clear that the girls have always been more likely to be assertive, confident and in charge. The boys, especially in an academic setting, were far more likely to be distracted, disinterested and ultimately dismissed by their teachers. Don’t we all agree that elementary schools are geared toward little girls? Haven’t we been wringing our hands about the fact that our sons are being left behind? Ontario standardized tests show that boys lag behind in literacy and evidence suggests girls are pulling ahead in math and science as well. Only 40% of university graduates in 2006 were men, according to Statistics Canada. The data is clear. Our girls are doing fine.

Listen, I’m not opposed to this campaign, really. It’s fine. And I’m not saying that we don’t have miles to go to close the wage gap and to see more women in leadership roles, because we absolutely do. And globally, women are still very much second-class citizens and that is a travesty. But the real work has nothing to do with encouraging our daughters and everything to do with affordable child care, paid maternity leaves, flexible working arrangements and support for working dads so nobody has to stay home if they don’t want to.

Let’s get Beyoncé to talk about that.