Gone are the innocent days of yesteryear when you could count on young children to go door-to-door donning masks and extorting candy from vandalism-fearing citizens. Now it seems everybody wants in on the action regardless of age and proficiency in egging. There’s been a growing sense of discontent among people who have access to internet forums and advice columnists. I, for one, have had quite enough. In past years I have had a separate stash of good candy for the deserving kids and a stash made up of my kids’ last year’s reject candies for everybody else. But no more! Let’s join together and shame those other would-be trick-or-treaters into staying home altogether and save ourselves the mild discomfort of seeing them at our doorsteps.
Say it with me. “This year, I won’t be giving candy to:”
Teenagers
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The worst! Some of these so-called kids are taller than me. What makes them think they can get away with wearing half-assed costumes and trolling our city streets for sugary treats? Isn’t it about time they grew up and started binge drinking in ravines and impregnating one another? In my day, teens were too busy smoking pot behind dumpsters to be bothered trying to score candy. Anyway, their parents should have enough leftovers to quell serious munchies for once and for all.
Babies
That’s right, first time parents. Dress your one-year-olds up in sweet little bumble bee and dinosaur costumes all you want, but you won’t be fooling me. Those little pumpkin-shaped bins they’re toting around are filled with nothing but high fructose corn syrup and choking hazards. I dare you to feed them to your babies. I dare you! That’s what I thought. Pretend all you want that you’re in it for their adorable waddle walks up to the door, but we both know you’re in it for the candy.
Poor kids
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Thank you for writing in to dear Prudence, Halloween for the 99 Percent, and saying what nobody else wanted to say. Every year, swarms of children come from god knows where to trick-or-treat in affluent neighbourhoods. You’re right, we do pay enough in taxes to fund social services for the needy. Plus I always give a can of cranberry sauce to the food drive over the holidays. Trick-or-treating is a neighbourhood event and the quality candy I buy is only for the children in my same socio-economic stratum. I really don’t know what could be more obvious.
Hooligans
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There have been times I have wanted to bring my own children trick-or-treating for a little while on Halloween. I’ve been tempted to leave a bowl of candy on the porch so kids can help themselves while we’re gone, but there’s always been one thing holding me back: hooligans. If I leave an entire bowl of candy, there’s no doubt it will attract hooligans who will take all the candy for themselves and then probably smash a jack-o-lantern on their way out. It’s far better for me to horde as much candy as I can to fill the void left in my soul where a sense of generosity should be.
Kids in no costumes
Come on! You call that a costume? I know that’s just your baseball uniform from last summer. And nice try, missy. Just because you’re dressed all in white, doesn’t make you a ghost. Is it too much to ask that children and their parents actually put some effort into trick-or-treatin?They are, after all, getting all of this candy FOR FREE. Those poor kids from other neighbourhoods are the worst offenders, come to think of it. So that’s another strike against them.
Fat kids
Get off my porch, tubby! Have a salad.
Immigrants
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These are really a special group of poor kids. Not only do they not have proper costumes, they often don’t even speak English. You think you can just hold out your bag and then say, “Gracias”? I don’t even know what that means! This is Canada and not the frog-speaking part either. Speak-a En-ga-lish. Sheesh. And, you know, I hear most of those countries don’t even do trick-or-treating, so it’s not like they’d know any better.
Allergy kids
Listen, your kid’s too good to eat peanuts. I get it. Heaven forbid little Jackie get the sniffles from a Peanut M&M. But why do you have to ruin it for everybody? Now I can’t even send my kids to school with treats made in the same factory that contains nuts? How precious are you people? I know, I know. People say it can be serious. Fine then. Just stay home. You don’t see me sending back my egg white and spinach omelette, hold the cheese, just because they buttered my toast by accident. No. I just politely withhold my tip and don’t make a scene.
So, let’s all band together and restore the true meaning of trick-or-treating: rewarding cute little white kids for their parents’ ability to buy nice costumes. Are you with me?
9 replies on “People I won’t be giving candy to this year”
Brilliance. Pure effing BRILLIANCE, Rebecca.
*snort!* Oh, this was priceless! Thanks for the laughs!
You forgot to add the pre-teen girls wearing “sexy” versions of normal costumes – “sexy” ghosts, really? Sexy firefighters?! Not only did their parents who are standing there think it was cute, most of these girls that come to my door aren’t old enough to even know what “sexy” means. No more candy for them!!!! :)
You lady are a horrible person. This article was terrible and you should be ashamed of writing it. Racist Canadian piece of shit.
Fucking Canadians.
Satire
Um… it’s satire. How did you miss that?
Well, I am Canadian.
Hey A, I’m not sure if you handle (the name you’ve chosen to go by, just in case that slang is too much for you) you chose is supposed to stand for anonymous or asshat, but judging by your comment, I’m just going to assume it stands for both which makes you an anonymous asshat.
Right, so hey Anonymous Asshat, since you seem to be unaware of the meaning of the word “satire” I thought if give you a definition of it: to mock or make fun of something through tongue in cheek imitation.
I’ll add that calling somebody a fucking Canadian, which from context I assume you meant white people, kind of makes you sound like a hypocritical idiot.
Cheers
But…but…I’ve never had the sniffles from M&M’s, only Reese’s Pieces! Awesome post – everyone needs to just chillax and calm the hell down about Halloween – it’s a tiny piece of candy you’re handing out, folks, not a savings bond!