Apparently there’s been some sort of backlash against people that are always on about their babies on social media. This Tracy Moore post on Jezebel specifically addresses the unbaby.me Facebook app that is meant to block baby pictures from coming up in your news feed. All I can say is, I KNOW.
AND ABOUT TIME!
What is wrong with these people and their incessant obsessions with their babies? It starts before the baby is even born, endless strings of bikini clad profile pics replaced by swollen belly shots. It’s like their whole identity is engulfed by the size of their bellies instead of the normal and healthy fixation on their waist to bust ratio.
Then the drooling poop machine is actually born and it’s an endless stream of limp-headed baldies staring off into space. God help us all when the babies actually start doing stuff. Baby in a half roll! Baby sits up! Baby gums a bagel! Baby stands up, barely.
These people don’t even take a yoga class without their baby. The only diets they care about are baby-led vs home-made, organic. Forget about ever finding a decent keg stand photo on these people’s pages ever again. Forget about anybody “liking” your rant in favour of baby-free brunches. Forget about ever getting to talk to them without a mother effing sandbox withing spitting distance. Forget about a conversation in which spit doesn’t come up.
And then what do some people do with the free time that they DO HAVE? They start a self-indulgent, sticky-sweet, vomit-inducing MOMMY BLOG. Because Facebook and Twitter and tumblr aren’t enough? Now you need to own lilysmommy.com in order that even more broadband can be dominated by pictures and stories and OMG video of your bratty kid?
It’s enough to make you want to grab them by their spit-up stained collars and shout, “What happened to your Bachlorette recaps?! Those were worthwhile!” “You don’t even know when there’s a half decent shoe sale anymore!” “What do you mean you might not go back to entering virtual mountains of data into a ten-year-old PC in a beige cubicle for 8 hours a day? Do you even know who you are anymore? What about your career?!”
So thank fucking god for the programmers and developers who came up with a way to keep the endless stream of baby babble at bay. Hey mommies, we don’t want to block you, just everything you now care about.
Let me leave you with the most recent pictures I can find of me enjoying myself without my kids around. (So what if they’re over ten years old? They still count!)
Now those pictures really capture what I’m all about. Too bad that’s it, though. There was no Facebook before I had kids. I know!