The Life Cycle of A Blogger

1. Why not become a blogger, right? Why not?! I have stories to tell. I have opinions. I have important things to tell the world. I know I’m not going to become the next Dooce or anything (but maybe I’ll be the next Amalah?). This is going to be good. I’ll start with a 2500-word introduction to my life story, just the self-involved parts.

2. You see? There’s so much creative satisfaction in the writing alone. I don’t even care if many people actually read it. *Refresh. Refresh. Refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh.* Why isn’t anyone reading this?! I posted the link on Facebook. I support everyone else, dammit!

3. I got a comment! This is amazing. People are really into my stories. All my family and friends say I’m hilarious. Well, not all of them, but, like, at least 30 of them. And I even have a couple readers who I only know through the internet, other bloggers. This is how shit starts to go viral.

4. Man, I really should blog something. Has it already been two months since my last post? People must be so disappointed. I’d better start with an apology. What I really need is a blogging schedule. That’s it, I’ll write a post about how I haven’t been blogging enough but I will definitely start blogging more now. That will be good.

5. Jen says I need to get a Twitter if I want my blog to go anywhere. I don’t really understand how it works, but I’m trying it out. Oh, wow, this is awesome. There are so many bloggers right here in my city I didn’t even know. They even get together at events and tweet ups and stuff. More people are reading my blog which means I have to write better posts which means even more people read it. Twitter has saved my blogging career!

6. Twitter has ruined my blog. It takes up so much time and I tweet out all the funny stuff that happens and then I don’t have anything left to blog about. Between work and the kids and the in-laws, I don’t even have the energy to put out more than 140 characters at a time. And nobody comments anymore either, so what’s the point?

7. I miss my blog. As soon as this next mat leave starts I’m going to really start blogging in earnest again. You just have to treat it like a job, really. You can’t wait to feel inspired. This could be my last chance to get my blog noticed. I think I’ll start a Facebook page for it.

8. Holy smokes. My depth of blogging experience, established Twitter network and all this fresh, new material is really paying off. Or maybe it’s just the magic SEO that comes with having paid hosting fees on some half-assed attempt at a blog for several years. Either way! My stats are up. I’m popular!

9. Oh no, do you know how many people are going to read my next post? Now I really need to make it good. Okay, I did it. That last post lit the internet on fire. I’m amazing. I’m awash in ephemeral internet glory.

10. This next post is brought to you by the Bank of West Toronto but that’s totally fine because I was wanting to write about savings accounts anyway. I just need these sponsored posts to subsidize the writing I really want to do. You can’t fault me for that. Yes, important writing like that family resort review I posted right after the kitchen appliance round up. Oh god, I’m a sell out, aren’t I?

11. Remember when blogging didn’t used to be about hashtags and PR campaigns? Remember that sense of community? That’s it, I’m bringing it back to basics. I’m going to write about whatever I want to write about, brand-friendly or not. This is my space and I’m going rogue. RAWR.

12. I didn’t mean it! I do care about sponsors, I do! Why doesn’t anyone want to work with me now? Maybe I can’t run a business based on my stories and opinions, but can I at least earn what the guy handing out the free newspapers makes?

13. Don’t tell me that’s a parking ticket on my windshield. I know I’m a few minutes late but all the kids suddenly had to use the bathroom and I already paid for $8 worth of parking. So parking is going to cost me almost $40 which is more than I’ve made all week on my freaking blog because there is no value in providing content that is not a dressed-up marketing vehicle and why do I even bother with this stupid vanity project anymore when I should just be working on actual, paying jobs but how can I let it go after all these years and who am I and what does it all mean???

14. I feel like the cold and empty shell of an inspired blogger, but I have a fresh pot of coffee, a blank page and two solid hours to myself. There’s got to be a joke in here somewhere.

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