10 “Better her than me” reasons you’re happy not to be engaged

I hear it’s engagement season. By which, of course, I mean I read it on Jezebel.

I can only imagine how hard times like this must be in the brave, new era of social media. Back in my heyday, you could enjoy months of blissful ignorance before hearing about your ex’s engagement to that skinny bitch from work. You only had to deal with your good friends lording their diamond-laden fingers over you while you were actually with them. And you could honestly not give a shit about casual acquaintances because you never had any idea what they were up to and we were all better for it.

But rather than pine for a time that has come and gone, it’s far better to to take a page out of the sour grapes playbook and think to yourself, “Better her than me.”

Here you go: The “I don’t want to get married and start a family anyways,” guide to why you are over the moon about being not engaged this year. Take it from me: I got married at 23 and now I have three kids.

1. Everything about him instantly becomes annoying. There is no bigger downer on a relationship than realizing you have to live with this guy’s inability to recap a tube of toothpaste for the rest of your life, so help you god. You do.

 

2. Weddings are stupid expensive. Either you pay for them yourselves and get to start your happily ever after completely broke or you get to be completely indebted to your parents and have your plan to walk down the aisle to James Brown in a sequined dress trumped by Celine Dion and taffeta.

 

3. The drama. Oh, the drama. There will be politics and cat fights and someone will give a drunken speech that humiliates you.

 

4. Post-wedding let down. So you did it! You got married! And now … you are somebody’s wife and the best day of your life is behind you. Congrats.

 

5. Being accountable for someone else. All of a sudden you are expected to keep tabs on your husband’s every move and to be the sole person in charge of RSVPing to parties and contributing to the potluck.

 

6. Your married uterus is now everybody’s business. So when are you going to have a baby? Not yet? How about now? Now? Now?! Stomach flu,  you say? Uh huh.

 

7. You cave in and have a baby which is even more everybody’s business. You are going to have a home birth, right? But in an OR with a OBGyn and a team of midwives standing by with an array of listeria-free, locally grown, organic food and all the vaccines and homeopathic remedies at the ready. And oh. Really? You’re going to name him that?

 

8. Welcome to the slow track! Your career will inevitably take a backseat to the important job of raising your child whether or not you try to juggle work and daycare or just give up entirely to stay home and get really, really into recipes for pureed mush your kid will just spit out anyway.

 

9. Don’t even think about putting that uterus away! When are you going to have another? So soon?! Not yet! Trying for a girl this time? If it’s another boy then you have to go for a third. You know that, right? Might as well! You have all that pureed food knowledge to put to good use now.

 

10. Your wedding dress will serve as a constant reminder of how much weight you’ve put on. Why do we hold onto those things again? Oh yeah, because they cost more than your first car. Right.

 

On the other hand … Corningware is useful.

 

Disclaimer: This list in no way reflects the state of my own marriage which remains cloaked in mystery because my husband and I never get to see each other on account of all the children.