For Mommy’s Special Day

Have I ever got the perfect Mother’s Day wish list for all you mommies out there! Let’s make this Mother’s Day, or, as we like to call it, Mommy’s Special Day, the best ever. Mommy, mommy, mommy!

• First, mommy won’t be happy unless she has her special Mommy Juice (available in both red and white varieties). Who wouldn’t want to soften the focus on our inability to get through a day without drinking, after all? There’s also Mommy’s Time Out, because simply ordering a glass of wine is just too dignified for us mommies.

• Not too worry, mommies, there’s still no dignity in being called a MILF. True & Co wants to celebrate all the MILFs (mothers they’d like to fit — for a bra) this Mother’s Day. It’s too late to enter their MILF contest for a chance to win $100 gift card and a temporary MILF tattoo, but you can still buy one of their bras.

• The natural follow up to some mommy juice and a sexy mommy bra, of course, is to settle in with some mommy porn. Remember when there was only plain, old porn and you had to use some discretion while reading it? Not any more, mommies! Bust out your 50 Shades trilogy on the subway, the beach or in the playground. It’s okay. It’s only mommy porn. Tee hee.

• I really wanted a special tablet to make life easier for my mommy brain, but alas I can’t find one. Despite the huge amount of virtual ink spilled in protest of the ePad Femme tablet that is designed just for ladies, it doesn’t actually seem to be for sale anywhere on the internet — at least not anymore. Sorry, mommies!

• But we can order mommy business cards to hand out to the other mommies at the playground. Not only is being a mommy a full-time job, now we can have the swirly pink cards with our little ones’ names on them to prove it. That’s so much more fun for us mommies than just plugging a name and number into our phones!

Had enough? No?

• The internet and magazines are chalk full of lists of wonderful, mommy-licious products that will make us feel special all day long. Of course, there’s no shortage of mommy books and mommy blogs to keep the mommy wars alive, but don’t be fooled. You might be on the mommy track or on your way to Mommy and Me class, but as long as you’re sporting mom jeans and a mom bob, you’re still a mommy.

• There’s something with a price tag demeaning and belittling motherhood whether you’re a yummy mummy, bad mommy, drunk mommy, stoned mommy, free-range, helicopter or tiger mommy.

What am I forgetting?